An Update For Those Who Worry

Guys-

Thanks for the kind words and thoughts. Things are still rough at home for me. In the oblivious, irrational nature of the very emotionally damaged and used to living in chaos, my daughter acts as if nothing has happened and says I should be totally over it. Sigh. Local (i.e., not online) friends and family are not terribly supportive and more with the 'I told you so.' If not for the support of the online friends and experienced adoptive parents and the unconditional affection of my four-leggers and my parrots.... Animals are so much easier than people, except in the middle of the night when they are stealing your pillow or your covers.

I've wanted to be a parent, an adoptive parent, for so long and with this first one having gone so badly wrong in so many ways and so quickly... I no longer want to be a Cindy Bodie, Tudu, Theresa or Sharon. I don't want to do this again. Having wanted this life for almost twenty years, having gone into it with eyes wide open and no rose colored glasses on and still having been so wrong about myself and what I can handle... it feels kind of like re-evaluating whether I want to be caucasian or a woman or an air breather. It's been such a big part of my life for so long that I don't know what's left now that the drive to do this is gone. I feel like a hypocrite and a failure, which is just a fantastic way to spend the holiday season. (rolls eyes)

Let's not talk about the fact that I also feel like a quitter, since I'm struggling to be polite to my daughter, much less be a parent to her. It's not fair to her, since everyone has always given up on her and she was simply testing me to see if I'd do the same; intellectually I know that. Emotionally though, I did give up. I feel betrayed. She's only in my house and family now because, working for CPS, it could cost me my job if she wasn't. We're not in counseling now because even the therapist said it wasn't helping, that she didn't want to change or accept responsibility.

I don't know where to find these bottomless pits of love that some incredible parents find for their kids who assault them physically and betray them every day in a hundred other ways. I would *rather* she had assaulted me physically. I would have handled that much, much better. I would rather she had burned down our home-the loss of every pet we have and everything I own would have been easier to deal with emotionally for me. And of course, some remorse or regret on her part would be nice, but she calmly maintains that she'd do the same thing over again and doesn't regret it.

The other area where real world family and friends don't get it is the lack of understanding for me not finishing the book. It's very hard to write hot, exciting romance when it feels like someone did the mexican hat dance on your heart and soul. Hell, it's very hard to *feel* anything when you're doing your dead level best to stay numb because you're tired of hurting. So, I didn't get it finished, though I am trying. The publisher still wants to see it when it's done, as a stand alone rather than part of the series and that's a huge relief. Something to look forward to at a time when I'm trying to redetermine the course of my life.

I'm looking for a convent that allows the writing of romantic and erotic romantic fiction along with the keeping of animals. Any ideas? Because right now the other options are 'crazy reclusive cat lady' and the female version of 'Norm from Cheers' (and I hate bars and don't like being drunk).

I doubt I'll blog again before January, so Happy Holidays all.

Toodles,
Sarah