So, Friday night I signed the custody agreement. It needs signatures of the former foster parents, so I've got the original with me. I've tried and tried to reach them on Friday night so I could bring it and the rest of B's things on Saturday. Spend the day with the attorney friend on Saturday and never hear back from them. She figures they are avoiding me. She's right.
I spoke to the adult sister that works here today, the one that is one of the root causes of the problem. Well, the roots that don't rest with B herself anyway, or me, if I'm honest. I'm not perfect or blameless.
Anyway, seems that all is not sunshine and roses over there. B's had bad attitude, been trash talking and behaving inappropriately. They are now not sure if this is going to work at all. And the adult sister apologized to me, because at first she thought that I was being mean and had really kicked B out of the house. They've caught B in some lies now, and that sort of thing, that changed her mind.
I told her that before they decided to just pack her up and send her home that we all needed to sit down and talk to her together about Job Corps. And I told her that it was because I didn't want B back in my home. Sigh.
I was just beginning to unknot and uncoil that ball of tension and stress. I truly think that having shared with the adult sister that she's not wanted here now will have some impact and they will not want to send her away, at least for a while.
On the plus side, one of the caseworkers here, who I adore, has worked with the residential treatment side of things for years before she came to do regular casework. She'll walk me through getting her into a facility if they try to send her home because with her history and now failing in a therapeutic home (even unofficially) all she'll have to do is say that's what she wants/needs and they can make it happen. Plus she recommended the Sheriff's Boys/Girls Ranches here, so I have some hope at least.
I feel horrible saying that I don't want her back in my home, but... I really don't. I can't trust her at all anymore and I'm still so angry at her for the abuse report that I can't be a good parent to her.
Hoping for some good advice and support here.
Toodles,
Sarah
Elsewhere Again
48 minutes ago
6 comments:
Moms sometimes have to make really tough choices, and it sounds like you are making the BEST ones you can for her right now. Hugs and prayers and know you aren't forgotten.
Jen (and use those plane credits to take yourself somewhere fun!!)
B needs to learn that there are serious repercussions for herself based on her own behavior. If putting her in a facility is what it takes, so be it. You also have to protect yourself. It's a shame she couldn't come around a bit faster.
Thank you Jen! I'm hoping I can just get through this, much less have the energy and money to go anywhere. :)
Alice, this kid has a long history of being Baker Acted and spending time in facilities. She *likes* it there. It's safer for her than living in a family, emotionally.
The fact that the foster family is seeing these manipulative behaviors early on, that they finally see her pitting us against each other, means that *maybe* we can get on the same page. I'm not terribly optimistic though. I just hope they give me some notice before they bring her back to me if that's what they decide to do.
Sarah
I found your blog from your posts on the adoption forums and I just wanted to add my support. I don't think you are doing a bad job - I think you are doing a great job. Good parenting doesn't mean letting a child walk all over you. It means letting that child deal with the real world. I can't even imagine all the work it has taken to parent a teen who has had such a messed up life. I parent two that came as pre-schoolers and there are days when I just fear for the teen years with them. You didn't even get a chance to parent while you were still in authority. By the time kids are teens, everyone basically regards them as adults. Don't let her walk all over you. That won't help her. At least if you stay strong she'll be able to rely on that, even if she doesn't like it. Good luck and remember there are lots of us who understand and are with you!
It seems to me that you've tried just about everything you can to help B. That's all anyone can ask. And with all she's done, you're still trying to help her. That shows you haven't given up on her. I'd like to think she'll see that. Someday. My guess is in 10 or 15 years, she'll look back and know that someone loved her, faults and all.
My heart bleeds for you, Sarah, and everything you've been enduring. It sounds as though you really couldn't have helped the situation - given what little history you've shared, it seems like she's a wounded animal bound to bite the hand trying to feed her any kind of affection.
I just hope that some day she realizes how fortunate she was to have you care about her even after all of the hurt between you.
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